The lecherous memories came flooding back, no matter how hard he tried
to suppress them, they kept coming to mind. More connecting pictures
popped up in his head. The last thing he wanted to remember flashed; the
first step off course - in the wrong direction-their kiss, actually
Doyin had kissed him -it was his first time. He knew nothing of this,
she seemed the expert. It was the awakening. A mad rush of blinding
emotions surged through him. He didn't say yes to her -neither did he
say no. Even the Holy Spirit couldn't be heard in that moment of
passion; all the teachings on sexual purity, of over two decades,
deactivated temporarily. Then, they began touching each other. His head
was saying 'NO!' His body and hormones were yelling 'GO!' He hadn't read
any manual on this. He had been a committed Christian all his life, but
almost instinctively, his hands travelled in every direction on her
body. She threw her arms around his neck and drew him to her. Every
ounce of defence he minutely harboured came crashing down.
'What was I thinking! Oh God! No!' He thought out loud, disconnecting from the thoughts and stomped his feet on the podium. Those watching from the congregation thought it was all stomping from emotions of worship.
Tosin had lost focus, he knew he could not minister anymore at that moment; the thoughts had cut his flow in the worship. How dare he raise another song in worship? With which hands, with which lips? To which God? One wretch of a saint!
'What was Doyin coming out to do? Expose their affair or what?' She had said so jokingly after their second encounter, that if he left her, she would expose him. She had little to loose; no reputation -she wasn't the upcoming Gospel artiste, she wasn't technically even a Christian- no nothing to loose. Maybe she meant it. He steeled himself and turned away from the congregation towards the backup singers.
He intended to signal Ruth to take over from him and complete the worship session. She usually took over and carried the worshipers along at times when Tosin, overwhelmed by holy emotions, was unable to continue singing. She wasn't looking his direction, her head was raised up in worship, her eyes closed. None of the backups were looking -they too seemed lost in the moment of worship. This was a nightmare; everything he feared had come true.
It was a relief for him, when he turned back, to see the protocol team members and counsellors were now blocking people coming out and directing them towards an exit aisle, to where they'd be ministered to properly.
Just then, a female counsellor held back Doyin, it seemed she was explaining something to her, Tosin's eyes and hers met and locked temporarily. Her eyes glistened with moisture, they held back tears obviously and an emotion, which he calculated to be pain. The counsellor pointed her in the direction of others who had come out to the stage, then led her out, she followed, walking slowly. Just before they exited she turned to look at Tosin, her eyes seemed to say something, something he couldn't get.
Tosin felt a slight pressure on his shoulder, a hand squeezed his shoulder gently. He turned to see who it was. It was Chimezie. He was smiling but tears had wet his cheeks -he had been crying too and worshipping. His ministration time was up. Tosin gave him the microphone and walked down the stage in quick steps, his head slightly bowed. As he approached the exit into the guests' lobby of the Church, he could hear, Chimezie, the youth President, giving a solemn charge to the congregation.
His backup singers were still singing as Chimezie gave the altar call formally, this time. He could hear them sing in a most genteel whisper the classic hymn, 'Come home, come home...'
He knew he was supposed to wait till the concert closed, for his team who backed him up and also to see Chimezie his host and others before leaving but he felt so ashamed, worthless and broken. How had he fallen for this!
He managed to give some money to an usher he knew, with instructions to give it to Shedrach, his keyboardist and the backup singers for their transportation fare back, before rushing out.
It was an evening concert and it was already dark by the time he went out. He got a cab to take him straight home.
'Pride. Money. Women. They could wreck the ministry God has given you even before you start!'
The words of Rev had proven true, all too soon. They echoed in his head as he cried all the way home.
*****
'Hello? Anybody in? Hello oooh!'
Tosin lay very still on the cream coloured tiled floor. It was littered with wraps of empty satchels that had held water he had been drinking for the past five days. He always bought bags of satchel water for drinking, in fours. Since the Sunday night when he left abruptly from the concert, he had been indoors. He let the battery of his phone go flat -he refused charging it. He knew folks from church would have tried reaching him severally. He alternated his time between eating, sleeping and regrets and condemnation.
'He's not around! Can't you see that?' Another voice replied the enquirer who had been knocking outside the door. It sounded Daniel, Tosin's neighbour.
'Any idea where he went?' The enquirer asked, 'Nobody has heard from him since...'
'Wait oh, do I look like an electronic tracking device to you? I've told you, he's not around, shouldn't that be enough?' Came the rude interruption from Daniel.
Tosin chuckled. It was Daniel alright. He was the yard's sarcastic clown; his outspokeness was, many times, the cue for yard revolutions and fights.
Sadly, Daniel was the only person Tosin had shared his ordeal with. He knew better; no good advice would come from him. They had different values, too different yet keeping his affair with Doyin to just himself was killing him. His friends at church, though close, he couldn't bring himself to tell them. They were all 'mighty men' in the house, how would he share his fall and be the one looked on as the weak link in the chain? Others were those who looked up to him, protégés. It's bad practice to share a trouble with a mentee, he thought.
Daniel knew Tosin was inside. He discharged the fellow and then unlocked the door from outside and came in. Tosin had given him a spare key.
"Ol'boy, you still dey dodge Delilah?" He asked and burst out laughing. "Even if the girl reports to the whole church and to the Pope what you two did, so? Did you plan a coup? How can you be hiding because a girl reported you?"
Tosin pulled himself up and heaved his torso to lean on the bed.
'Why am I even talking to you sef? Ehn?' Tosin managed a smile.
'Because I will be your career manager--bone this choir things. With this your bad-up voice, just one hand, illusions night club will sign you up for Fridays special. Then you'll be certain of regular tithes when we go to church on Sundays! Simple!'
'Mad man!' Tosin laughed hard. 'Even if I have more concubines than King Solomon, my heart will always lie in the choir. It's a calling.'
'A calling? If I were you, I wont pick that call, period!'
Daniel, was a clown that said a lot of crazy things often, but Tosin concluded that he was right about one thing: he needed to stop hiding and face whatever the consequence of his three nights of passion.
"I am going for choir rehearsals tomorrow." Tosin announced abruptly, getting up from the floor and adjusting his three-quarter shorts, brushing his hands over his backside.
'Ah? Just like that?' Daniel asked, feigning astonishment, 'why not wait for a committee to be set up by the Queen of England to torchlight your matter? Ehn?'
While Daniel mocked, Tosin scurried around the room to put a few things in place. His resolution to face the certain sanction in his church over his conduct and the scandal across churches in the town whom had come to rate him highly, as the most promising upcoming Gospel artiste, brought the much needed strength to clean the house. It had been in a mess all week long.
"I am a damned hypocrite, whoever makes such stupid mistakes."
*****
Tosin had been rehearsing a speech, on how to begin to apologize to the brethren once called up and faced with his misdeed. He was already within the church premises. He took the less obvious path, cutting corners to avoid seeing members whom he was sure had already heard. News of any unfortunate acts by brethren flew fast in church. Anyways, he wanted to face the query of his unit first -the choir.
As he approached the choir, he was late, they were all seated but for Mrs Dolapo, the church's music director. She saw him as he walked in from behind the choir.
'Look who finally shows up...' she announced, cutting off what she had been saying. Every one turned to look at Tosin. He felt, a sickening hollowness in his tummy as he stopped just where he was. His eyes on her, he dared not look at anyone else.
'Good evening ma!' His voice shaky and unsure.
'Your story has been making the rounds since Sunday Tosin. Finally the truth has come to light...' Mrs Dolapo paused, as though, to allow her words sink in.
'No matter, how much you prepare for the slaughter, it's never painless' Tosin thought to himself, 'Lord, I'm sorry, see me through this.' He was expecting the next barrage of rebukes, scoldings and then sanction so her next words took him off guard.
'Your days of hiding are over, the impact of your last Sunday's ministration has reached Bishop Hanson through his P.A who happened to be at the Concert that day. He's requested to meet you. Congratulations!'
'Congratulations?'
Tosin just stood there stunned, for the first few seconds then the reality hit him. Doyin hadn't spoken to anyone about the affair like he feared. Then Bishop Hanson wanted to meet him? The Zonal Christian Association President! That was his biggest break so far. When he came to himself, tears were streaming down his eyes while choir members were cheering him.
*****
Doyin's mother was really elated at the drastic changes noticed in her. Doyin rebellious attitude had changed dramatically. She was now helpful at home, obedient and dressed a lot decently, she could even be found reading her Bible alone- an impossible scenario. Her dad, a strict deacon with whom she had the most clashes with, hid his relief at her positive change. He feared it was a trick of some sort or at best, a short lived phase she was going through. Doyin had been too wayward to change so suddenly, he reasoned. Thus their father-daughter relationship improved very lightly. Doyin had grown more closer to her mom than she had been before her teenage rebellion. She had also begun to grow her relationship with the Lord; her personal times of prayer and studying had become high points of her day. She wished she could share her new found joy with Tosin. She now understood his passion and why he did what he did, the way he did. But she couldn't. It was best they kept off each other. She wanted to please the Lord too.
Then one morning, about five weeks after her conversion at the concert with Tosin, she woke up feeling mildly sick. Her mom advised her to follow her dad who had an appointment for medical check up with the family doctor that morning. Doyin thought it a good opportunity to begin to mend relations with her dad.
Dr. Odili, their physician, had Doyin attended to by some younger personnel: they ran some tests and gave her drugs to ameliorate symptoms while he attended to her father. Before they left the hospital, Doyin had already gone to the car when, Dr Odili remarked about her.
'Deacon, what has happened to your girl?'
'What about her Doc?' He replied, feigning ignorance of the matter.
'I can't really say...she seems different you know? Like a change in her, a good one it seems -surely you've noticed it too?' Doc queried, a grin spreading across his face.
The two men laughed heartily.
"I'm still observing her.' Deacon disclosed. The two men shook hands. As deacon walked away towards his car, doc called out: 'The results will for both you and your daughter, Doyin will be ready in about two days. You can come get them then.'
'Ok doc!'
As deacon entered his car and turned on the ignition, he felt a wave of relief. He felt particularly proud that Dr Odili had noticed the change in his daughter, Doyin too. She had been his favourite child as the last born and only daughter, until she got wayward!
He had been reluctant to accept her change. He knew he had been too hard on her and he needed to apologize but it wasn't easy so he did what he felt comfortable with.
"I know you like ice creams, we are going straight to Kilimanjaro fast food and you can order as many ice cream as possible!" He spoke without looking at her. Doyin smiled and turned to stare at the moving landscape as they drove off. Another prayer request of hers had been answered: to begin to mend relations with her dad. One tear drop rolled down her eye.
"I love you Lord Jesus for forgiving me my plenty flaws" she whispered a prayer.
*****
Three days later.
Tosin was just concluding his morning devotion. It was quite late, he rolled on his bed and looked at the wall clock. 9:58am. He had ministered at Bishop Hanson's church last night and the Bishop was so impressed that he kept Tosin after the program and they talked till late. Things couldn't have been any better than they were at the moment. The Bishop had booked him to travel with him for a crusade in the UK. He returned late the night before, after the Bishop released him. He was expecting an SMS from Bishop's P.A to inform him of another appointment.
'Beep-beep! Beep-beep!'
His phone beeped - the text message alert tone. He was still tired but rolled over an grabbed his phone, opening the text. The tiredness left in an instant, his face grew pale. The SMS wasn't from the bishop's P.A, it was from Doyin and simply said:
'I am pregnant!'
'What was I thinking! Oh God! No!' He thought out loud, disconnecting from the thoughts and stomped his feet on the podium. Those watching from the congregation thought it was all stomping from emotions of worship.
Tosin had lost focus, he knew he could not minister anymore at that moment; the thoughts had cut his flow in the worship. How dare he raise another song in worship? With which hands, with which lips? To which God? One wretch of a saint!
'What was Doyin coming out to do? Expose their affair or what?' She had said so jokingly after their second encounter, that if he left her, she would expose him. She had little to loose; no reputation -she wasn't the upcoming Gospel artiste, she wasn't technically even a Christian- no nothing to loose. Maybe she meant it. He steeled himself and turned away from the congregation towards the backup singers.
He intended to signal Ruth to take over from him and complete the worship session. She usually took over and carried the worshipers along at times when Tosin, overwhelmed by holy emotions, was unable to continue singing. She wasn't looking his direction, her head was raised up in worship, her eyes closed. None of the backups were looking -they too seemed lost in the moment of worship. This was a nightmare; everything he feared had come true.
It was a relief for him, when he turned back, to see the protocol team members and counsellors were now blocking people coming out and directing them towards an exit aisle, to where they'd be ministered to properly.
Just then, a female counsellor held back Doyin, it seemed she was explaining something to her, Tosin's eyes and hers met and locked temporarily. Her eyes glistened with moisture, they held back tears obviously and an emotion, which he calculated to be pain. The counsellor pointed her in the direction of others who had come out to the stage, then led her out, she followed, walking slowly. Just before they exited she turned to look at Tosin, her eyes seemed to say something, something he couldn't get.
Tosin felt a slight pressure on his shoulder, a hand squeezed his shoulder gently. He turned to see who it was. It was Chimezie. He was smiling but tears had wet his cheeks -he had been crying too and worshipping. His ministration time was up. Tosin gave him the microphone and walked down the stage in quick steps, his head slightly bowed. As he approached the exit into the guests' lobby of the Church, he could hear, Chimezie, the youth President, giving a solemn charge to the congregation.
His backup singers were still singing as Chimezie gave the altar call formally, this time. He could hear them sing in a most genteel whisper the classic hymn, 'Come home, come home...'
He knew he was supposed to wait till the concert closed, for his team who backed him up and also to see Chimezie his host and others before leaving but he felt so ashamed, worthless and broken. How had he fallen for this!
He managed to give some money to an usher he knew, with instructions to give it to Shedrach, his keyboardist and the backup singers for their transportation fare back, before rushing out.
It was an evening concert and it was already dark by the time he went out. He got a cab to take him straight home.
'Pride. Money. Women. They could wreck the ministry God has given you even before you start!'
The words of Rev had proven true, all too soon. They echoed in his head as he cried all the way home.
*****
'Hello? Anybody in? Hello oooh!'
Tosin lay very still on the cream coloured tiled floor. It was littered with wraps of empty satchels that had held water he had been drinking for the past five days. He always bought bags of satchel water for drinking, in fours. Since the Sunday night when he left abruptly from the concert, he had been indoors. He let the battery of his phone go flat -he refused charging it. He knew folks from church would have tried reaching him severally. He alternated his time between eating, sleeping and regrets and condemnation.
'He's not around! Can't you see that?' Another voice replied the enquirer who had been knocking outside the door. It sounded Daniel, Tosin's neighbour.
'Any idea where he went?' The enquirer asked, 'Nobody has heard from him since...'
'Wait oh, do I look like an electronic tracking device to you? I've told you, he's not around, shouldn't that be enough?' Came the rude interruption from Daniel.
Tosin chuckled. It was Daniel alright. He was the yard's sarcastic clown; his outspokeness was, many times, the cue for yard revolutions and fights.
Sadly, Daniel was the only person Tosin had shared his ordeal with. He knew better; no good advice would come from him. They had different values, too different yet keeping his affair with Doyin to just himself was killing him. His friends at church, though close, he couldn't bring himself to tell them. They were all 'mighty men' in the house, how would he share his fall and be the one looked on as the weak link in the chain? Others were those who looked up to him, protégés. It's bad practice to share a trouble with a mentee, he thought.
Daniel knew Tosin was inside. He discharged the fellow and then unlocked the door from outside and came in. Tosin had given him a spare key.
"Ol'boy, you still dey dodge Delilah?" He asked and burst out laughing. "Even if the girl reports to the whole church and to the Pope what you two did, so? Did you plan a coup? How can you be hiding because a girl reported you?"
Tosin pulled himself up and heaved his torso to lean on the bed.
'Why am I even talking to you sef? Ehn?' Tosin managed a smile.
'Because I will be your career manager--bone this choir things. With this your bad-up voice, just one hand, illusions night club will sign you up for Fridays special. Then you'll be certain of regular tithes when we go to church on Sundays! Simple!'
'Mad man!' Tosin laughed hard. 'Even if I have more concubines than King Solomon, my heart will always lie in the choir. It's a calling.'
'A calling? If I were you, I wont pick that call, period!'
Daniel, was a clown that said a lot of crazy things often, but Tosin concluded that he was right about one thing: he needed to stop hiding and face whatever the consequence of his three nights of passion.
"I am going for choir rehearsals tomorrow." Tosin announced abruptly, getting up from the floor and adjusting his three-quarter shorts, brushing his hands over his backside.
'Ah? Just like that?' Daniel asked, feigning astonishment, 'why not wait for a committee to be set up by the Queen of England to torchlight your matter? Ehn?'
While Daniel mocked, Tosin scurried around the room to put a few things in place. His resolution to face the certain sanction in his church over his conduct and the scandal across churches in the town whom had come to rate him highly, as the most promising upcoming Gospel artiste, brought the much needed strength to clean the house. It had been in a mess all week long.
"I am a damned hypocrite, whoever makes such stupid mistakes."
*****
Tosin had been rehearsing a speech, on how to begin to apologize to the brethren once called up and faced with his misdeed. He was already within the church premises. He took the less obvious path, cutting corners to avoid seeing members whom he was sure had already heard. News of any unfortunate acts by brethren flew fast in church. Anyways, he wanted to face the query of his unit first -the choir.
As he approached the choir, he was late, they were all seated but for Mrs Dolapo, the church's music director. She saw him as he walked in from behind the choir.
'Look who finally shows up...' she announced, cutting off what she had been saying. Every one turned to look at Tosin. He felt, a sickening hollowness in his tummy as he stopped just where he was. His eyes on her, he dared not look at anyone else.
'Good evening ma!' His voice shaky and unsure.
'Your story has been making the rounds since Sunday Tosin. Finally the truth has come to light...' Mrs Dolapo paused, as though, to allow her words sink in.
'No matter, how much you prepare for the slaughter, it's never painless' Tosin thought to himself, 'Lord, I'm sorry, see me through this.' He was expecting the next barrage of rebukes, scoldings and then sanction so her next words took him off guard.
'Your days of hiding are over, the impact of your last Sunday's ministration has reached Bishop Hanson through his P.A who happened to be at the Concert that day. He's requested to meet you. Congratulations!'
'Congratulations?'
Tosin just stood there stunned, for the first few seconds then the reality hit him. Doyin hadn't spoken to anyone about the affair like he feared. Then Bishop Hanson wanted to meet him? The Zonal Christian Association President! That was his biggest break so far. When he came to himself, tears were streaming down his eyes while choir members were cheering him.
*****
Doyin's mother was really elated at the drastic changes noticed in her. Doyin rebellious attitude had changed dramatically. She was now helpful at home, obedient and dressed a lot decently, she could even be found reading her Bible alone- an impossible scenario. Her dad, a strict deacon with whom she had the most clashes with, hid his relief at her positive change. He feared it was a trick of some sort or at best, a short lived phase she was going through. Doyin had been too wayward to change so suddenly, he reasoned. Thus their father-daughter relationship improved very lightly. Doyin had grown more closer to her mom than she had been before her teenage rebellion. She had also begun to grow her relationship with the Lord; her personal times of prayer and studying had become high points of her day. She wished she could share her new found joy with Tosin. She now understood his passion and why he did what he did, the way he did. But she couldn't. It was best they kept off each other. She wanted to please the Lord too.
Then one morning, about five weeks after her conversion at the concert with Tosin, she woke up feeling mildly sick. Her mom advised her to follow her dad who had an appointment for medical check up with the family doctor that morning. Doyin thought it a good opportunity to begin to mend relations with her dad.
Dr. Odili, their physician, had Doyin attended to by some younger personnel: they ran some tests and gave her drugs to ameliorate symptoms while he attended to her father. Before they left the hospital, Doyin had already gone to the car when, Dr Odili remarked about her.
'Deacon, what has happened to your girl?'
'What about her Doc?' He replied, feigning ignorance of the matter.
'I can't really say...she seems different you know? Like a change in her, a good one it seems -surely you've noticed it too?' Doc queried, a grin spreading across his face.
The two men laughed heartily.
"I'm still observing her.' Deacon disclosed. The two men shook hands. As deacon walked away towards his car, doc called out: 'The results will for both you and your daughter, Doyin will be ready in about two days. You can come get them then.'
'Ok doc!'
As deacon entered his car and turned on the ignition, he felt a wave of relief. He felt particularly proud that Dr Odili had noticed the change in his daughter, Doyin too. She had been his favourite child as the last born and only daughter, until she got wayward!
He had been reluctant to accept her change. He knew he had been too hard on her and he needed to apologize but it wasn't easy so he did what he felt comfortable with.
"I know you like ice creams, we are going straight to Kilimanjaro fast food and you can order as many ice cream as possible!" He spoke without looking at her. Doyin smiled and turned to stare at the moving landscape as they drove off. Another prayer request of hers had been answered: to begin to mend relations with her dad. One tear drop rolled down her eye.
"I love you Lord Jesus for forgiving me my plenty flaws" she whispered a prayer.
*****
Three days later.
Tosin was just concluding his morning devotion. It was quite late, he rolled on his bed and looked at the wall clock. 9:58am. He had ministered at Bishop Hanson's church last night and the Bishop was so impressed that he kept Tosin after the program and they talked till late. Things couldn't have been any better than they were at the moment. The Bishop had booked him to travel with him for a crusade in the UK. He returned late the night before, after the Bishop released him. He was expecting an SMS from Bishop's P.A to inform him of another appointment.
'Beep-beep! Beep-beep!'
His phone beeped - the text message alert tone. He was still tired but rolled over an grabbed his phone, opening the text. The tiredness left in an instant, his face grew pale. The SMS wasn't from the bishop's P.A, it was from Doyin and simply said:
'I am pregnant!'
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