A LITTLE STORY AND LESSONS.

I was in a meeting last Sunday evening, in Port Harcourt.
 

A lady took the microphone and stood up to speak; her image was picked up from where she stood in the congregation by one of the several cameras and beamed clearly on the projector screens in the elegantly decorated auditorium. You could readily tell that she was somewhat older than the most of the young folks in the meeting.

It was a Christian gathering, as special kind- an alternative service where congregants were permitted to ask questions and make contributions while a topic was being addressed. The lady with the microphone shared her story of unforgiveness; beginning with how her dad met her mother. The story had it that, the dad was broke and from a poor family while her mom was from a fairly well-to-do family. The woman sponsored the man in career (or school) but died quite early (probably during the delivery of the lady speaking) while the man was yet outside the country.

As the woman spoke, her voice trembled at some points- the emotion, the bitterness was perceptible and it was hinged on the fact that her father (re)married 2 weeks after the death of her mom and rejected her (the baby). Though she was eventually raised in her father’s house as her mother’s family insisted, she was, in her words, treated like a hated servant.

Without belittling the magnitude of hurt and negative impact of being rejected by a parent on a child, the first thing I thought of as I listened was how that many times, things assumed or told us by people form the basis for our actions and negative feelings we carry around. Most of the information she had were not events she witnessed- they were based on the reports of others.

It’s the same way many people have inherited enemies, especially in Africa. In almost every family, you grow up hating people, whom you don’t really know; just because of what you were told.

As more respondents took the microphone to make contributions, more reasons for people holding unto hurts and refusing to forgive surfaced.

- LACK OF CLOSURE: when the event that led to the act that brought the bitterness is so absurd folks don’t consider forgiveness much (imagine your fiancé or fiancée with whom you thought the relationship was going very good, suddenly absconding and getting married to another person with no incidence of fighting or quarreling prior to and no explanation).

- THE ATTITUDE OF AN OFFENDING PARTY: when the person who caused the offence is indifferent, unapologetic or even defiant (do your worst), people find it hard to forgive.

- THE POUND OF FLESH APP:  you know that thing inside that wants to balance the equation by meting out equal or greater amount of pain and hurt to the other party, let’s call it an app; it a major reason people react in caustic ways, far from their usual self. Many hold back forgiveness till they update this app.

- THE BREACH OF TRUST: this especially observed when the offending party was a trusted or loved one. This particular unforgiveness comes with torment. ‘How could they do this?’

The ironic thing with holding on to unforgiveness is, more often than not, the person the bitterness is targeted at, is unaware (after awhile) and goes about freely, while in addition to the hurt of the main event, the hurt party carries about the weight of a grudge.

In fact, when we are bitter towards people, we give them power to control our happiness. So quick fix for many people, to block them out when we can’t exact a retaliatory act against them but this is not healing. It only covers up a festering cancer which reopens once we encounter them.

First it is important to note that emotional wounds, though unseen, are as real as physical wounds; they too, occur in degrees- the hurt you feel when a random stranger bails on you in a desperate situation isn’t as deep as that you feel when a roommate does same.

Emotional hurts are at the root of unforgiveness and can heal or gradually fester. It’s up to us. It’s good to apologize, if you are the party who hurt another but if you are the hurt party, you can’t afford to wait for amends to be made before initiating healing- you don’t need the second party to begin your healing.

Similar to the common sense applied in physical injuries, like when you have a knee injury, you don’t turn attention to your abdomen to administer aid, curative measure are targeted at the point of distress.

In like manner, face the hurt. Ascertain what event(s) or action in the situation made the hurt that bad. The most important part of forgiving people is ‘unanchoring’ them in your mind. This is the point where you stop wishing them bad, the point whether they are happy or sad, meet the recompense of their evil or not, it matters not to you. Because at this point,  you have truly come out of the cage of their influence.

Some hurts can be forgotten readily, some cannot. Forgiveness is not predicated on forgetting: you don’t need amnesia to truly forgive. You may recall the event, but then it has no power to control how you feel about the people or yourself. Forgiving doesn’t always mean that you restore the relationships fully or give people the opportunities they abused. But it will be peace.

Forgive the senior friend that bailed out from helping you with the business/job;

Forgive the fellow who engaged you for 7 years (lord of the rings) and ran off to get married elsewhere to someone else.

Forgive your younger sister who slept with your husband (how can?).

Forgive the mentee who has now become independent, forgotten all your aid and become a bitter rival.

Forgive the mother who physically abused you and showed you no love while growing up, so much so that you often wondered if she was truly your mother.

Forgive your father’s family members for how badly they treated your mom.

Forgive Kenny, your trusted friend, who stole your ideas and has built an empire with it, while you’re still hustling.

Forgive them, not just for their sake, more for your sake. Save yourself the physical and emotional health consequences that come with carrying grudges for so long. No, you’re not stupid for letting them go just like that. The life is your own, you only live once, here. Enjoy it maximally.

You should call your uncle and tell him you’ve forgiven him.

Photo credit: Latro Photography (facebook)